I’m a lover of maps. They speak to me in just the right way. They are certainly functional, but have a certain beauty about them as well. The way the roads, rivers, and topographical lines all come together to convey so much information about where I am – or a place I’ve never been – is like candy for my brain. If I can pull up a map on my phone, or on my computer, or even flip open an old atlas, I’m able to chart out in my mind the direction I want to travel and some of the sights I might pass along the way. A map brings me security. But my security has waned a little this week.

Today – August 18, 2023 – is an important day for me. It’s a day I have anticipated for a long, long time. It’s an average Friday as far as my work and family life are concerned. There is no big event, no celebration, no tragedy. But all the same, it’s a day whose arrival has sat at the back of my mind for many years… anticipating it would come, and wondering what it would feel like.

As of today, I have lived one day longer than my father did. He was 47 years and 53 days old when he passed away suddenly from a massive heart attack in 1993. I was 16 years old, my brother was 12, and my mom was a 45 year old widow with two rowdy boys to wrangle. The next few years were very hard for us all. Even today there is a hole in our family that nothing has ever quite been able to fill. A little less laughter. A little less excitement. And now, here I am. As of today, I’m 47 years and 54 days old… and I’ve wandered off the edge of the map.

Up until this point in my life, I’ve been able to look to my father’s example and have an idea of what to expect. Granted, his life had been very different than mine and his example wasn’t always the best one to look to. But at least I had a baseline. I could choose to go with a decision he’d made or avoid his mistakes and take a different path. That’s the joy of having a guide. They may not always make the right steps, but they’ll always show you where the pitfalls are – and often how to get around them. But now the map is behind me and I’m in new territory.

I have a son in college now. That’s something my dad never got to navigate. The last couple of weeks of having my boy out of the house have been harder than I ever thought they’d be. My marriage just surpassed 24 years. My parents only ever had 23 together; though I feel sure they would have made it past 50 if he’d gotten to stay longer. He was much more of a risk-taker than I’ve ever been. I like to play it safe. I wish he was here to encourage me to take a chance every now and then. I wish I could have enjoyed him in retirement. I wish he could have known his grandchildren. I wish we could just go fishing at the lake another time. I wish we could talk.

The map is behind; the future is ahead. We forge the best paths we can in faith, hope, and courage.